It’s natural for our brains to search for meaning when we’re experiencing trauma, grief, and hurt. The Mama Bean is mine—a way to help other moms make sense of the experiences of loss and grief, navigating pregnancies, parenting, and life through it all.

I had three miscarriages between my two children. I started writing these articles toward the end of my pregnancy with my second, having finally found tools to help me process grief, manage anxiety, and find joy in my everyday life as a toddler mom.

That baby is almost two now, and after a long hiatus, I’m returning to this project with a renewed passion. When my second was 18 months we thought we might start trying again for baby #3. Of course, we got pregnant right away, this August. The pain of those three consecutive losses felt so far behind us, and the joy of seeing siblings and best friends grow before our eyes had helped erase the pain that once ran my every day.

At 5 weeks I started spotting. Several appointments, blood tests, and encouraging words from doctors later, tears welled in my eyes at our 8-week appointment.

I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat.

I opted for a D&C, eager to move forward. This was just bad luck, we would just have to keep trying.

The Monday after Thanksgiving two pink lines show up yet again. I played it cool for a couple of days before falling in love, scheduling appointments, and giddily pressing play on first-trimester workout videos.

Wednesday I let myself get swept away. Thursday night I started cramping and spotting, and by Friday morning I was bleeding full-on. All weekend. As we were heading out of town for a family Christmas trip. 

I return to the OB to track my HCG levels to make sure everything goes back to normal and we can start again. Everyone loves a Christmas baby, after all. A repeat blood test shows my levels increasing, and then again.

A sono confirms a cornual ectopic pregnancy. They walk in with a giant yellow syringe of Methotrexate, ask me to turn around, and draw up a lab order for my day 4 blood draw.

There is no Netmums forum for someone who has experienced what I have gone through. My fertility journey is officially un-Google-able. And the resources available to the millions of women who have experienced unspeakable, un-Google-able pain and grief are still not enough. That’s why I’m back, with a serious sense of vengeance for all of the babies we never got to meet.

Welcome back to The Mama Bean. We’re going to get through this together.